Sunday, March 6, 2011

He has my heart!

Dean said it in a column a couple of weeks ago: change is coming. He defined one change as my almost three year-old grandson moving and leaving our house empty and wanting. That change happened yesterday. And I was not prepared for the pain that followed. My mind had told my heart I would be ok. That I had already cried enough and worried enough for a lifetime.

Liar. Why does our mind do that to us? Can’t the two get together: the mind and the heart?

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually sat down and thought about stuff. Not politics, not incentives, back door dealing, Obamacare, Lee County politics, etc. Not about work, school, deadlines, and meetings. No, just stuff. Stuff that could change in a moment.

I’m really trying not to get mushy here. But it’s impossible. I feel like a child has been taken away from me. Sounds silly doesn’t it? No, it’s not. I held that kid within the hour he was born. Dean and I kept him while Kelly worked at night and went to school. And we were there at his first birthday, when he got to see the real live Thomas the Tank Engine, and when Mommy finally graduated with a degree. We were there when he got fevers, coughs, and was scared. Don’t worry – this kid liked Jurassic Park. The bigger the dinosaur the more he smiled and laughed. Not too much scares him.

I spent this past week knowing yesterday was going to come. And I cherished every moment and regretted putting work ahead of him at times. But the bills had to be paid. Besides, he fell in love with Dora, Diego and Dinosaur Train when grandma (memaw) had a conference call to attend.

I don’t like change anymore than any of you do. I’ve used the same brand of toothpaste for years – Crest and the same soap -Tone.  Clinique is my favorite make-up.  And Pleasures is my favorite perfume.  Sean Connery is my favorite actor while Trans-Siberian Orchestra is my favorite live band to watch. 
I only wear Coldwater Creek jeans. They are so soft and comfortable. I like my shawls, LL Bean shirts, and neutrals. No flashy stuff for this girl. If I wear stripes, you know something special is happening.

I grind my coffee very fine. And I like it brewed when I get up. Give me a T-Bone and a good salad, and add in Wilbur's NC Eastern Barbecue.   Forget those  fancy Cucumber sandwiches or turkey hotdogs.  I’m a techie, and Southern bred. I am who I am.  I like schedules and structure.  And I read maps.  No guessing with me.  Change is not easy for me. 

And change that might hurt? Oh good grief. I’m going to find a way around it. I’m sure you know what I mean.

I wasn’t prepared for this. Sleep didn’t help. And I had his Belkie bear right beside me all night last night.  Coffee hasn’t helped. And it was one of my favorite brews: Tanzania Peaberry. 

Hiding the toys from my view certainly didn’t help. So I gave up. The dinosaurs are now lined up on my mantle waiting for my precious grandson to return.

Oh, this pain is for real. How do parents that lose a child survive? I couldn’t. And I haven’t lost one. He’s just moved away. And yes, I will see him. 

Dang. There goes my mind a wandering again: Will I be able to stand it when night falls and I’m not crawling in bed beside him to watch “Iron Giant”, “Robots” or “Dora” while we both sip on Chocolate Milk? Will I be able to stand it at dinner time when after the meal there is no one to share a Hershey’s kiss with? Will I ever want to eat at McDonald’s again if he’s not there to share my Chicken Nuggets with?

Nope, my faith in God and knowing His grace is sufficient for my time in need will be what does that. Real change has come. The kind that will force memaw to realize Kayne is only 3 hours away, and yes, he has my heart.

P.S. Cherish your moments with family, friends. Those moments could change in an instant.

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